A while ago I posted about why I have been absent due to the trouble I have been facing at my job; well it seems to have become even worse now.
Today while I was checking on the emails directed towards our store I noticed an email that had my name attached to it. I discovered that this email contained the result for the disciplinary hearing I attended two weeks ago (the one about a person stealing stuff from our store) and a final warning was attached to this email.
Like what the actual fuck? How the fuck am I responsible for a theft in the store? Heck, there is evidence I was working when the theft happened while my colleague (whose customer it was) just sat on her arse eating.
My first reaction was to simply just resign, but logic kicked in and told me that I needed this job. Work is scarce to find in a country that has an unemployment rate of nearly 30%. I then became and angry and decided to refuse to sign the fucking thing since I am not responsible for this whole situation; I just happened to be on duty the same day. But once again, logic kicked in and I decided to wait until Monday to sort this situation out because then I can get legal advice from the CCMA (The Commission for Conciliation, Mediation and Arbitration; a South African government organization that provides help and legal assistance in labour related issues) and find out what is the best process to follow to fight this thing. Then the depression kicked in.
The thing is, I am really beginning to feel like a freaking loser. I struggle to keep to a job for longer than a year because I always end up being hired for crappy jobs that only paid minimum wage. Heck, my brother has even made a joke where he told me I should help him job hunt because the moment I think something seems worthwhile then he would know to avoid it. I have basically gone through high school twice because the first time I ended up in a fake school that screwed me. I practically had no childhood due to abuse, poverty and alcoholism. My teenage years I became isolated because I simply struggled to relate with anyone and I pretty much carried on the trend by still having no friends or no girlfriends. I don’t know how to drive and I don’t have an asset to my name even though I am freaking 24. And let’s not forget that I still live with my parents.
I am so tired of fighting and working my arse off for nothing. Every time I try to build something up it ends up being demolished. I am tired of planning and have those plans completely destroyed. I am just so tired.
All I want to do is work some crappy office job where I work from nine to five; go home to my crappy flat to sleep and then once a year go on a week long vacation that I saved up all year for. That is all I want in life. I just want an ordinary crappy life and maybe do something that would make the people that I care about feel proud. That is it. Nothing more.
I think I am just going to give up trying now. I am done with fighting. I am done with working hard to only be screwed. Maybe the best thing for my family is for me to end it, I would no longer be a disappointment; perhaps a pathetically sad memory is all I can hope for.